and jesus said....jen..lets talk...

I have had this idea for a play in my mind for a little while. Im not sure how it will all work out...but I have this one scene where the silent character goes into a sudden anxiety attack....she falls to the floor..shaking..gasping for breath...crying..but not crying with any real effort...the tears just flow right from her eyes...and standing behind her....a man dressed in all black...antagonizing her..he is holding a bottle of meds....a bottle of whiskey.....she turns to face him...now..keep in mind...the Him isnt significant....its the presence of said entity that Is significant. Lately Ive had her pulling herself up....wiping her face....and grabbing a sword....two swords actually...she hands one to him in true Hamlet fashion...

and waits to see what will happen...

Id like to take my darkness...and Id like to kick its ass. but its a part of me. Ive had such a dark day. I didnt want to journal today because I knew the entry would be as manic as me...so..for that Im really sorry...but today...this is how I feel..

i feel so left behind. "too much love and no more time..now you walk the silver line" -departure lounge

I know I will never be a mother. I dont want to pass down my chemical/depression issues to my children. Ill never be the artist/actress I spent my childhood years dreaming I would be. Ill never be the missionary I believed I was called to be. If I told you I felt like I was going through quick sand...would you just tell me to grab the nearest branch?

i dont have a clue as to who i am. without someone to take care of or to worry about...im sort of lost. im broken hearted over JL but I know over time Ill be ok. he is well so he doesnt need me...so its all ok. I have no one to pour all of my energy into...cept for myself...and I truly dont think Im worth it. "be assertive" what for? god JL..what for?

i feel like such a hypocrite. I feel one zillion miles away from god. and I do believe in him/her. I really do. Its the only real hope I have. Im no shining example I know. and for that i feel so badly. I will never know if I may have more successfully helped anyone had I been truly tending to my spirit. and Its not .....I believe its our openness to god...that allows love and peace to work through us....Not anything I could ever just do or say. Ihave burned so many bridges and now I dont know how to travel... In the course of the past lets say 9 years...ive managed to gain and then lose alot of friends. because of my drinking. because of my depression. because of my obsessiveness and lack of trust and because of my gullable nature... no one has any faith in me...and I dont know why I need anyone to...I love too much...because I need so much...I dont know. I just dont know what to do.

I have been on my knees before god many times. And I used to believe that forgiveness was real. how could he take me back? how could he still love me? when I have failed to trust him with my life? with my heart? Im afraid to commit. Im afraid of forever. but I crave those feelings of peace I had early on...I miss that sense that I wasnt taking this life on all alone...which leaves me feeling horribly embarrassed.

Im a wimp. Im a self proclaimed wuss ass...I have alot of pain bearing down on me. I have alot of life that is choking inside me...waiting to be lived.

oh dear god save me from my routine. save me from this cave. I am as you have made me....let the heart beat stronger with a love that is everlasting....

i wish i could make all of the pain of the world disappear...

I love all of You

Peace

Hugs

Enjoy