ninja

Im feeling pretty lonely lately. Not just like...just..lonesome. I feel like the stray that wandered away from her tribe. where are you people anyway? I cant be the last of my kind. I think I am too easy with myself and I need to be a little tough. I think Im too soft. I dont even know how to explain that. Im just really emotional. Nothing that a new canvas and a big chocolate brownie covered with thick chocolate frosting won't cure. :)

The painting Im working on right now is tentatively called "smeared". Im trying to make the figure look clear but erased...smeared..there but not there. I dont know the psychology behind my desire to be not noticed. TB (from work) made me laugh yesterday when she said, "Jen..I think in your secret life you are a ninja...always wearing black...and no one can see you.." so we are in the process of making secret order of the ninja tshirts...(if you want one let me know). what we havent finallized is the design on the back...the front will say...like..on the left side..top..secret order of the ninja member 509 (or whatever)virginia chapter...hmmm...if you arent smiling or laughing I guess you just had to be there. I have this groovy white clothing marker...its great. so anyway.

Invisibility. don't understand that.

(It is the antithesis to your dynamic magnetic openness Garald.)

Im serious about the tshirts..shoot me an email and tell me what number and location you want on it and Ill send you one...I cant guarantee speedy service..but i can gurantee you will get one! oh and the size too. yeah i need to know that.

Hey im a dork. indulge me.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

I did that ^ and now I don't remember what I was going to say...Oh yeah! I think this journal is the best thing. I have almost shut it down a few times. Like that would be some act of retreat (hiding Again). But I always feel better once I get it out. and. the fact that people read it...makes me feel like I have communicated?? Artists...well all people need to express themselves...but you know..if you are creative...and no one ever sees or hears you...you tend to feel mute. And it is like your feelings never Get Out. Your ideas are still sitting at the kid's table...eavesdropping on the well articulated words flowing forth from the Big Table....and it can be too much to sit there and hold them in. When I pour forth,so to speak,I feel guilty at first,but, I usually end up feeling better...yeah..sometimes Im desperate for someone to hear me.Yes. Desperation...for contact..for holding..for whispering..for a hand to hold...an arm to grab...a face to hold and kiss...and someone..just someone to receive me. Im a hug junkie. Is there something wrong with that??? I don't always open up when given the chance though...I worry too much about bothering the person...and Sometimes I just want to feel free enough to fall apart...and not have to pretend(and it is Pretending) that all is well...It is a stipulation Ive somehow learned to place on Myself. This diary has helped me. our experience is so real. so open. so raw. so amazing. It blows my mind. I don't know. It is...it has turned out to be...a really good thing..this diary.

I think all of you are really really wonderful.

my soul needs a chemical peel.

Im off today (first day in like seven days) and it is cold and raining outside...Nice :)

Here's to You diaryland loves of mine

Peace

the love ninja