Self Loathing Performance Art

My Father's birthday is coming up in about 4 days. His mega "geezer bash" (hey thats what He is calling it) is on Saturday. Last night My father believed he almost died. He apparently fell asleep in his recliner....and he has a very bad smoker's cough combined with some allergies etc...and he awoke choking....gasping for air....he couldnt breathe. And now. Hes scared to death that before his birthday even gets here....He will be dead. I started to cry. I left the room and started crying...what do I say. Oh Pop...its not that bad...His Feeling is Real to Him. How do I comfort him? I wish he'd quit smoking. Hes afraid he has throat cancer....he is hoarse from the coughing...Will he go see a doctor??? NO. N-flippin-O. My parents. My parents. I am not prepared for them to get old. I want to stay a child. Growing up just means they grow old. I want to run to my father and sit by him and absorb every minute of his existence. I was without him for about 14 years of my life. And now I wonder if he knows that I love him. Its time to be real in my life. I know I have said this over and over in here. I am just trying to actually get some RPM's out of my great ideas.

I dont know how to be in relationship. I honestly dont. Not without some distance. Im trying to convey a mix of sentimentality and revelation and its just not working.

I want my father to know that He can come to Me anytime anything is bothering him..that he can talk to me..and Ill listen. Ill be there. Its time to give something of myself..without being afraid of being used.

Love can exist. It doesnt have to be the destructive cycle I always turn it into. and I do. I turn it into Self Loathing Performance Art.

Be Direct.

Take It Head On.

Say What's What

Maturity is just balance

Love those near

Love those far

Love those that drive you to the point of "throwing phones through closed windows"- halfsorry

Peace

I love all of you