simply having a wonderful christmas time

I was having a stressfull day. I was whining to my friend JD about how much I missed JL and how for the last few days Ive felt especialy conscious of him. We talked and laughed....laughed alot..then she drops a bomb on me.

JD is 21. She is a senior in college. She is a brillaint beautiful journalism major. and she has ovarian cancer.

I think I stopped breathing. but I kept moving. but I still cant fathom it. I cried all the way home. I wanted to reach into her body and pull the disease out. She has gone mis-diagnosed for a year. She has been so sick....and through bad doctors and a lack of decent insurance (ty gw ty lb)...the problem has had time to get worse.

I know this is one of life's cruelest plans. young woman. bright. talented. dieing.

I can say it until my lips are numb. It just Cant Be Happening. I woke up and my abdomen was burning..."cancer" i think to myself. Yes. but not in My body....in Hers. In hers. I know fist throwing at God is...its not even how I feel. People get sick and they die. that is lifes cycle....

but here I sit. take me. death do your best to avoid the girl with the cap and gown on order....Ill go. Im not in the least bit hung up about it. leave her alone.

be healed Jd. If I believe it...will it work? when jesus said "heal the sick..." did he mean it...did he mean that I could do it?

Im so tired tonight. I have so many friends suffering right now. this always happens when the summer days have faded...and the cold of winter's reflection is everywhere...its so quiet....God wrap your arms around her...

I have a phantom pain in my body..ill bear it for her...

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I have never adapted to my level of empathy. I have always struggled to understand it. I have been ashamed of it. its like another language sometimes...a language that I have to decipher. Im a code breaker within my own mind. common sense eludes me. this is who I am. I can easily grasp esoteric/ethereal ideas. but ask me where my keys are.

I am hoping they are on the kitchen table where I hope I left them. I just might be lucky and actually find them there.

If I could drive to the moon Id do it right now. zoom.

I wish I could talk to someone like me. and find some answers. god. i sound like anne rice's vampires...

I love it when non-readers...non-foreign film watching people...say that I am cerebral.

Im going at this thing called life moment by moment. I am clueless. I am just glad to be here.

I am glad to be here. Im blessed you realize. that means I know I have it pretty good. that means I have shreds of sanity...that gives me hope. Hope for anything to happen.

I want a vision. A vision of enlightenment. one that show me how to heal the sick. one that will show me how to use my gifts for the good of myself and everyone else.

I want to fit someplace.

I want my friends to be made strong.

I love all of you...I bid you Peace

Hugs Hugs