Goodbyes were never Good...not...really
when people take their ticket..and head for the door...the curbside of thier future chugging like a hungry engine...with sign on the yellow door that says...Away.
Im sentimental. I get attatched to people. Even though Im distant..difficult...down right Problematic...what no one ever realizes is how deeply I come to care for them.
It is so much Feeling...that I run from it.
Ive told you many times what you have meant to me. And I meant all of it. I meant every word. But still you are going...and I haven't proven to you..that your time and your investment..have been worth it.
so it will be a far away so long. you won't tell me while you have me. You'll wait. just like M did because she knew once she left....Id cry...hard..for a very long time.
And i did.
You said today...not to worry. but. I know you better than that. that means I should be getting That Really Big Box of Puffs Tissue because Im going to be crying soon.
crying over the loss of you. crying over the dissapointment Ive been. crying over not being the person that you deserve.
and I wont ever see you again. I wont be a part of your life anymore.
I have pictures. memories. moments.
I really want to know why I can't keep anyone. Everyone.
I want to know....why my heart...loves so disproportionately.
It's not realistic....people leave. life goes on.
Im losing alot of good friends soon...so many people are moving..chasing work.....etc etc
that leaves me just totally heart broken.
I listened to my mixed cd that Leslie gave me like...what...3 years ago now?
I really miss my friends. I hate that side of me that prevails. the one that says...Im fine on my own. Im not cool.
life is more safe alone anyway.
the mythology that fear creates is the greatest is the most powerful of riptides.
I dont want you to go. You asked me today...to tell you what I need...I need you to stay.
I need someone to Stay.
I used to have dreams about a car with an invisible driver....taking me away from my family when I was little. that was my recurring nightmare.
it wasn't the greatest place to be..I know that...but I loved...love..them...
with all of my being.
for those reading this....when I say that I care so deeply about you..that I wish I wasn't such a workaholic...Id visit you. call you. Re-connect.
I care. I love. So Much.
How does that balance out in a world filled with so much uncertainty?
K. don't leave. promise me. that you will stay. hang around a little longer. wait for me to catch up.
wait for a real reason to be proud that you know me.
Love and Peace to Everyone
jen
