foul mood isnt the word
I need an Ass-pirin.
I hate it when I hate myself at the end of the day.
I feel guilty and unforgiven.
and then there's this:
everyone I know is having serious money issues. serious serious money issues. and there is never enough. S needs a new winter coat. SB&LB are drowning in mis-management and MO was out of work for a while and has to go to california without a dime in her pocket. TC is about to fly home to wash state because her car is about to be reposessed.
and I wonder how seastreet is doing...I keep picturing him wandering nyc in tattered robes and bartering his genius for a new bed.
there just isnt enoug to go around. and it frustrates the living life out of me. sometimes I see folks I know in need and I have to hold myself back....I have to remember that I need things right now too. Things. Not Things. A Car.
I try to be there in little ways but what I wish I could do and what I can do leaves a gaping hole in my gut.
But.
Part of Wretched Ass Disease is getting fed up with feeling responsible for everyone and their problems.
Today I wanted to write I Really Dont Give A Fuck on my forehead. That would've been a bit more tolerable than how I was behaving.
I dont know. I have issues. I like to help but sometimes I wonder who's worrying about me?
which is greedy. right? its bloody pathetic. JL has an article on his blog from some folks that were in guatemala recently. People are being forced out of their land so a big canadian company can mine for gold.
thats another thing: my god. how does one live is this world and not directly effect the less fortunate in a negative way?
Spin My Own Fucking Cotton? It would be great to do that. If we could make our own clothes they would fit better. think about that...we could cut them the way We want them.
yes..i know...Modernity Guilt. It seems very strange to me to live my entire life in a compressed mode of guilt just for living.
eating meat is wrong. wearing a shirt made in the phillipines is wrong. cussing is wrong. lusting is wrong.
fuck it. living is wrong.
sighhhhhhhs.
sorry. this stuff gets built up. I cant change things. nope. I cant make anyone's life better. There are No Miracles in these fingertips. And that really pisses me off.
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speaking of dreams:
o my good ness. the ones I had last night/this morning were really out there.
Night: I was standing outside in the street with some people that I only know in dreamland. I look up and see a props plain fly overhead...and it was like I was hoping for it to crash. And it suddenly started to fly in crazy circles and square formations....and I noticed the lights went out and it began to nosedive but then....It was suddenly day time and it wasnt an airplain in the sky it was a Schoolbus..and bodies were falling out of it. Then. an elderly woman crashed at my feet....I ran to the elderly woman with whom I was a neighbor and went inside of her house...after..I examined the body. This dead woman became a deep fascination for me. I wanted to know more about her. So..Im inside my neighbor's house only now she is a young black girl and her family is giving us all kinds of support and comfort to help us deal with this trauma. the young girl's brother brings me pictures of the dead woman; photos of when she was young which would have been in the 30's and 40's. The woman was stunning and was apparently in a secret affair with the brother of the young black girl. I said thank you to him for the pictures and he said,"you're worth it". Then me and two other people were in a pickup in the mall parking lot...and I noticed a long plaid cloth cigarette case floating by the driver side window. a Girl across the parking lot also saw it..I tried not to alarm the other people in the truck..but I KNEW it was a ghost. I then somehow received a webcam pic of the dead woman and showed it to the brother..and I noticed the similarity of the woman in the webcam photo and the old 30's pictures. She was a tall stunning woman...oh and white by the way.
In the webcam picture she had short brown straight hair...a white turtleneck and a black vest. She seemed to be in the middle of something when the picture was taken.
I woke up. went back to sleep.
And I dreamt of meeting this woman randomly at a park...when she brought out her cigarettes to smoke I asked if she would show me her case...and sure enough...it was the plaid case. And I exclaimed "I saw you! I saw you!" she really wasnt phased.
I woke up again.
what was that all about?
I havent really had a good dream in a week or two...so this was actually Great!
I just wish I knew what it meant...:) if it means anything
Oh yeah..and it snowed here today..which was pretty freaking Awesome!
Im going to pray now and hope to god that everyone doesnt hate my guts...(like im that important..what ego)
I hope YOU Are well. because you Rule.
Love and Peace
The Wretched Ass
