it must feel alright to be the man on the scene

Today was pretty low key. I talked to my mom on the phone last night...once the $$ was in hand and some nearby neighbors made her dinner...she calmed down. When she calms down..I calm down. Now she isn't sure if she will make it down. It is always like this and I shouldn't let her effect me. I have to thank supercilious for a great phone call on tuesday...he is a Great listener...much better than me that is for sure..he has a knack for making me feel better.

The weather turned kind of rough here...we had a Microburst and some hail (baseball size!) but nothing like those storms in the mid-west..thank goodness...I did not want to die at work...what if my soul gets trapped there...bah :p

Man on the Scene filled my head all night...which...I won't even talk about it. nevermind.

I walked the bookstore today searching for something new and I totally struck out. I will venture out again tomorrow as Im working a weird 12-830 shift..Ill have time to hunt again.

I watched Dr.Phil today...this is the part where you make that Oh Please noise and you make that Oh Please face and you should probably Not Read Anymore Of This....:) just a dis-claimer..:)

He was talking about People Pleasers..which I am...He talked about people that always pay when they go out to dinner (I have done that with Every man Ive Ever Dated!)..I guess Ill just sum up: Im tired of putting myself in that position. I could go on. but now I feel stupid. In the end it is about me. Me being selfish. me protecting me. hiding behind a nodding head. seeing not a drop of true love or appreciation across the table.

Dear Next Boyfriend,

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it. Ive spent my life trailing behind others. Ive spent my life riding on the coat tails of every man Ive ever loved. It left me completely responsibility free. I just absorbed thier identities. Their hobbies. Their favorite foods. You know...I...no longer needed to exist. Major decisions for my life would be made based on His life,ethics,ideas and lifestyle. I sort of Rented them. I would pay off thier debts. I would allow them to create huge bills in my name. I would let them fall in love and sleep with other women...just as long as I could buy him dinner...just as long as I could do his laundry and bare his burdens. I was sure,on a sub-conscious level,that I thought my investment,was secured by behaving this way. Once the weight of living this way would get to me...and I would seek relief from them...that is when...well..I no longer served a purpose...and it really wasn't worth having me around. My name is Jennifer and I No Longer Live that Way. I will have to tell you when you have hurt my feelings. I will have to tell you that I like lots of Attention and that I need my space. I am the only women you will sleep with while you are sleeping with me and holding me and partaking of My Gifts or it is over. I will be the one in Your Corner. Im not on this earth to Impress your Mom,Your buddies or Your boss. Im not the boss of You. Im not Your Mom. Im a woman. Im a giving, generous, passionate, intense, dark, quiet, and introverted Person.I have Ideals too...lord do I have ideals...I care about things..people and the world. You don't have to be rich ...you just have to be fair. Im not wealthy but I work hard..I suggest you do the same...I am not a Sugar Mama. I need you...to see me.for who. I.am. not perfect. just as simple an equation as anyone can be. with a silly side. and I will more than likely not trust you immediately. I will more than likely fight you...but Im hoping you are brave enough...to stick it out.

the treasure is within. deep within.

all my love

Peace

Jen