blues in a box

feeling lousy. havent slept right in days. feeling like I don't matter. wondering what I have done. angry for overprotecting and being the goddess of inaction. crying. at the drop of a hat. I think I have too many entries like this one. I feel powerless. I have nothing to offer anyone. nothing anyone needs. not really. so it's just self pity. its just junk thoughts. Today I flog myself metaphoricly for being this person. this person that gives up so easily. this person that preaches but doesnt deliver. this person that has herself backed into corners over and over. there is no breathable air in this box. and the stupid thing is...is that by tomorrow Ill just feel better. Ive managed my inner life these past four years....by staying mostly to myself. I pour my biggest feelings into this diary. or onto the canvas. or I bake something and I eat them. Im always last. I put myself there. Ive done all this to myself. I dont know anymore....I dont know today...I didnt know last night...if who I am and what I think and what I desire are of any merit. Do you ever want to be invisible? I feel lousy. havent slept right in days. fighting and sobbing. I feel like Im in labour giving birth to Myself.

everyone is flying. Im still the caterpillar on the ground.

Have you ever seen a weeping cherry blossom tree??? it is a hybrid between a weeping willow ( a favorite of mine) and a cherry blossom tree.......they are so magnificent.

onward to the job.

Love and Peace

blues in a box