she spoke to the rain and the rain listened...
The As Much of The Truth As I Can Bare...to bare...ramble..
the truth be told I sort of got one wish for new years...I worked too late to join in the couple fest that my brother invited me to. so I stayed home.
a gut wrenching night. only because I feel like time is up. Ive run out of it. there is none left. lost am I.
the truth be told Ive been hiding from life for about 4 years. hiding behind family. pushing my friends away. Im scared.
I do believe in the love of god. I do. I must seem like such a fool. all I do is poor out all of the same sadness over and over. I hold on you see. Im afraid of changes. I worry. and its awful how I look to see how many people have read my diary....as if its some measure of how much Im worth.
"i know im not a good writer...but"
I know this is redundant. but have you noticed. the inertia. (did that song just pop into Your head?) Im just so bloody weak. weak and hiding. with no sense of real adventure. when did I get beaten down? when did I give up?
I dont feel right physically either. something is wrong. end. endings. I only really Believe that Im Lost for Good.
I know God Loves me. As god Loves all that he saves and destroys. and he does...destroy us. life is carniverous.
anyway.
I want to be telling a different story.
I want to be telling you about my very cool sinlge person loft in which I paint in...write in...dance in..and also in which I host charitable rent parties for my neighbors and the homeless drug addicts downstairs.
I want to be telling you about the meals I create for the people that feel welcome to sit back and receive from me. maybe about my babies. maybe even about a great love. I want to be telling you that my name means something to me....that Im not ashamed all the time...cowering in corners...in reaction to a comparison made...in response to all the artifice...
I want to be telling you that I have faith in me...instead of fear that I will fall apart....with the slightest shift.
I see her. that me. stronger. thinner. with a fuck all attitude. I am her.
by fucking god I am her.
am i a child. y do i always need everyone else to know. to say. yes or no.
Lately Ive been doing this. Imagining. where do I want to go. what do i want. Ive survived...an abusive family..bulimia..alcoholism..suicide.
I want to be telling you a different story.
....so instead of coming up with the perfect phrase...falling from the most perfect of lips...enhanced by the most perfect of mascara laden lashes..her hands slipped into theirs..and she did was she does best; seeing into them and loving them anyway...ordering their chaos into sense.
Let us Love this new year.
Lets really give ourselves the chance to have every thing. we. have.ever.Imagined.
peace
Love
Hugs
thank you all for all of your kindness and love
