Ugly
Conversations: this woman I work with grinds my bones to dust. I have a habit of when others put themselves down to praise them so they will feel better...somehow she always digs into me. I hate her. She has called me ugly for the last time.
I'll readily admit it. Im not a supastar. Im not a hottie. Im a 31 year old average white woman. the only things special about me are buried so deep inside I think that Im losing them. Im so tired of this. How much more do I have to go through. I dont like these rules. ugly people one side pretty people the other side. winners and losers. Im inside of here. Its just a shell that holds me to this earth. Im taking good care of it for the first time ever in my life but I still look the way that I do. And all the special things are waiting to be discovered. Im starting to drift away from my own soul like sand into the tide. Im so plain. It seems Im so plain. bleh. tears now. for words I cant even begin to speak because Im just so used to censoring myself. Boys..some of you are gems. Some of you are shallow mean assholes. Girls..some of you are my sisters. Some of you are the cruelest entities Ive ever encountered.
Ugliness is in the heart. Put that on your fucking baby doll tshirts. Your youth will fucking fade. tattoo that on your fucking dicks.
So. you pass over the not so hot person...man or woman..cuz women can be just as shallow...but ok..so you pass over this person..and you have no idea what you will miss. The soul. the mind. the ideas. the language. the art. the joy.
the fucking joy.
I could weigh 105 lbs. Ill still have the face I have. Ill still have my skin. Ill still have my curly unruly hair. I could straighten it. I could get a nose job. I will just be me still buried in a body.
Ill still be the world's worst conversationalist. I'll still take things too lightly or too seriously. Ill still trip and drop stuff. Ill still feel like Im 19 when Im way past it. Ill still be the girl that can see in others what most people dont. I still take you all as you are because my heart is filled with a tremendous amount of love. Ill still wear my Big Bad Wolf Roller Coaster Tshirt on nights like tonight. Ill still be over whelmed by my own emotion. Ill be the laugher the cryer the quiet the reader the painter the actor the dominant seventh on the sheet music.
people say Im overly compassionate or something. I just know how it feels. I know how it feels to screw up. I know how it feels to be hated to be abused to be so fucking mis understood.
and to the gap store banner team I say this: you fucking suck. You have de-genderized the men and women. they have the same bodies. you are so fucked up and you should be fucking ashamed. Im glad my store is next to yours. Im glad the fucking size 14 lingerie models are larger than life in our windows next to your horrid de-humanized digitons. What the fuck were you thinking? You wouldnt know pretty...its what holds you when fantasy has left you cold. Fuck Off Gap. (but i love the $9 bag i bought last year...dumbass me.)
And by the way ladies. maybe the guy you thought was so odd looking has the stuff you are looking for.
god. Im done. self pity trip over.
i was craving vegas so I watched the real world. what a bunch of strange people.
I really do think you all are the most beautiful
love and peace
jen the duckling
