so small. so small. no one can see her.

How can you sum up in one phone conversation...that you love someone...but..hey..I know..Ive always known...you didnt..I mean come on...I work 12 hours a day...7 days a week..and for what..and I worry so much...and you were right...when you said..I make everything complicated.

its no fun being so locked up within oneself.

I know why. and happiness is the only thing that i want for you.(but I wanted you).

i didnt know how much I loved you until i realized you were telling me that you didnt love me. how innocent. how strangely painful and innocent.

Everything in my life is falling apart. Its the Seventh Year. Every seven years my life falls apart. I pick myself up. and since I was 13 years old I put my head down and walk against the wind.

there isnt much you could've said or done. you just dont want it anymore. I never said I love you because i assumed you would never say it back. And that hurts. but every time I was with you. I thought it. I whispered it. but i never showed it. I must not have....I was holding everything in so much..you have no idea.

Every seven years I peel back a layer of old and I have never felt this. Like Im wrestling God.

Like God is turning my universe inside and out.

And what hurts the most? That I blew it.

Like i always do.

But Im not the superstar you were looking for. and im not the smart girl you thought i was. Im a simple person. small. quiet.

and i never knew how much i loved you until i realized you were telling me that you don't love me.

God...whatever...Im here...in my spinning world watching you lunge for my very codes of Perception.

you have it all wrong jen. you are going at it all wrong.

the seventh year is a test. Its a test I put myself through routinely because since I was 13 Ive been suicidal. I believe it was a chemical thing. a hormonal thing. a Thyroid thing. Im smart enough now Not to be that way.

but anyone will tell you that has been through it as I have....every seven years since the age of 13....that you have to fight the strong hopelessness that comes over you.

That Big Quit Fit...

Ive never felt this. I feel like Im fighting for my life. My joy. My peace of mind. My future. Im breaking this cycle once and for all. This hiding in the vortex of my space thing....

It's better this way Chris. because I would just keep hoping that I could turn into something perfect. And that isnt going to happen. I didnt love you well enough. alot. but not good enough.

goals. everyone needs goals.

right?

here's just a few things Id like to accomplish before i die:

1. Love Well
2. achieve balance between work and personal life.
3. do other things besides work.
4. reach my full potential as a human being (and save the world)
5. bring something to the lives of others that means something.
6. grow up (but not stuffy and old)
7. LIVE.
8. see europe.

I love you

peace

jen