the purpose of life is to increase the warm heart. -Dalai Lama
When I am run down and tired from work...I usually don't eat well...don't sleep well...and lately...Ive been crying for no reason..before I can stop myself. This is both disconcerting as well as inconvenient considering that I work with the public. I thought it was just work stuff...then I had the awful panic set in...like...something horrible was wrong with someone...
It all made sense later..but like I said..the FEELINGS flood the SENSES and its just a god blessed LAND...slide... a watershed...
I slid to the kitchen floor when I got home from work on saturday night. I sat there holding a dishtowel to my face as I cried...the kind of cry that lends itself to that awful spasm noise...the one where you can't seem to breathe right.
I wanted to call Chris...but of course I didn't. I didn't want to freak him out. I wanted his arms and his tall body to sink into....but I just curled up with my dog and cried it out.
Eventually..I had to call someone..so I called my mom. My dear sweet nutty mom. I cried into the phone telling her I had no rhyme or reason...telling her that I had no right to be calling her,when she is going through so much,but, sometimes you just need your mother....
and after an hour of indulging my fear and pain (so many things came out..that it was a little scarey)I felt alot better....of course she loved having me call and cry on her shoulder...it made her feel very needed and loved...
that was something I hadn't thought about.
I stared at my christmas tree...longed for sweeter times,longed for my childhood before it became such a haunting thing,longed for more than I have created for myself and drank some hot chocolate.
Today...I almost fell apart again. I did some online shopping. I paid some bills. I went to the grocery store and felt it....the panic...the horror...the crippling grip. And I realized something...
1. working alot...and not in the best circumstances...lots of stress...
2. eating junk
3. not drinking enough water
4. too much caffeine
5. not sleeping well at all
6. thyroid ...feels...very Enlarged..
And there you have it folks....the culprit of emotional fragility...it hasn't been this bad since I was 13; my best friend Michelle died and my goiter presented itself so much that I couldnt swallow...
I internalize a great deal of my feelings...Im a passionate being...and I will be damned...if I havent made myself sick.
You would think that at my age (33) I would have a handle on this...but...you know...I don't feel like I deserve any kind of break...
I have so much more to achieve...does that make any sense??
Anyway...its midnight...and...I have to be at work in seven hours..so..I should really try to catch the elusive sleep thing...
Love and Peace
jen
