'i cant turn on the radio without thinking'
how have I been? just fine.
Ive been reading an excellent article in Harper's about modern american christianity and how narcissitic it is...its great and maybe I will write more about it later.
for now I need to vent. right now I need to let out an emotional tirade. so if you aren't in the mood...its ok with me..I understand...
Tonight my brother,my niece, and my soon to be sister in law came over for dinner. As everyone was getting their food and talking and laughing...my dog limping around...he mentioned that my mom left him a message on his cell phone. when..i dont know.
I told my brother to either call mom after he got married or dont mention it at all if he didnt want her there. Instead...he sends her an invitation after not speaking to her for a year. And you know she cant afford to fly down here..and i cant fly her down here if He doesnt want to see her..and Im in the Middle. again.
no one cares in this family. it would have been better for him to call her and tell her himself. but no. he just mails it. And this is potent. This is cold to her. She views our life here...as a betrayal. She in dire poverty..my dad..in the complete opposite..and me and my brother..chosing...one(father) over the other (her).
she sees my step mom being wife to Her husband. Grandmother to Her grand daughter. who found me when I tried to kill myself? my Step Mother.
jesus fucking. god. My mom is Irate. This is why my family. This is why we cant do anything. Because of the Ignorance. I wont be able to have one of those nice normal happy happy weddings until my parents are dead. Until they are gone. because Everything is About Them.
I Love my Parents. All Three of Them. But they are the dumbest fucks I have ever Met in my life. My dad seems to forget that he was a womanizing drug addict. My mom seems to forget that we had to absorb all of the pain that my father caused her..never having time to be honest about how We felt.
This. is all getting....chaotic..but bare with me. I cant stand to even think for one moment that my mother is Hurting.
Not for a second can I take it. So why am I not in New York taking care of her? I dont know. Because Im selfish?
what do I have? a husband and children? or Just A cave to hide out in. Am I strong enough? will she ever forgive me?
what do i do? what do I do?
I may go to new york if I can get a good enough job. But i doubt that I will ever have Enough to give to my mother...I doubt I can fill every hole that life has pounded into her soul.
I worry about her mind most of all. although..I think...of all of us..She is the wisest and the strongest. Its not her fault if she finds peace in the forced servitude of others. she is and always has been....hungry for proof of devotion.
Im an adult. Im not a child anymore. but I act like one. I am the same awkward scared dumb child that I was long ago. I dont take good care of those in my path. And I am so afraid of the one person that I love more than anyone on this planet.
I wish I was less afraid of closeness..or relationship...but...i never know where they end and I begin...
If I lay down my life....will it save anyone?
Or will I finally have room for everyone?
What is the code for liberation...where does compassion and mercy tie in ....in a world that seeks only to serve the self...
my brother d: Im going to call Leo (his lawyer) and have him draft up a paper keeping you from giving everything away...
me: its not worth it if you cant give it away..
you can take my stuff. my money. but not my heart.
you can take my body. take my limbs. but not my heart.
you can take my name. my mind. my speech. my sight. my sound.
but not my heart.
Im tired of hating myself for not being what everyone needs.
Im so tired of holding my breath because it might send someone over the edge.
Im so tired of hating myself Mom because you are so hurt. Im more sorry than you will ever know that I have failed you or that you havent had the life that you want or that you are scared.
If I had one million dollars. would you forgive me for not being your savior?
everyone be well
Peace
