wind up wind down
my mother called. she left a message on my cell stating that she was about 3 hours away.
yeah. well .thats her. you know? no real planning...she doesn't think things through. its just that sometimes she has to Go. And by Go I mean...Escape. Run. Fly. Get Out.
At least for about 3 hours I had an idea where she was..then..nothing.
after 3 pm on Thursday I had no freaking clue. was she on her way to my job? which is where I was when she called. Did she turn around? Did she go to North Carolina? Mom. jeez. where are you?
What do I do if she is freaking out someplace? is she getting angry with me because I had to work? where is she going? florida? where?
Panic. Just total fear and panic. I gave up. and got mad. and wished, for a brief couple of hours into friday morning with an entire bottle of Beringer Pinot Grigo, that My family would disappear and that I had a utopian existence.
I had horrible dreams all night and just rushed off to work friday morning.
and.left.my.bloody.cell.at.home.
oh freaking god. no. I had planned on calling her again while I was at work...I dont know anyone's number that I have on speed dial..I am the worst with remembering numbers in the right order etc...so...I tried in vain to dial her number right..and just failed.
9.5 hours of torment at work...half waiting for her to call the store and half hoping that she was at home in new york.
I cant even begin to tell you the conflicted feelings I had. I was sad..and crying all day..worrying about her. And angry. And guitly for being the slightest bit mad at her.
Love doesnt ask any questions...right? I mean what kind of person am I?
I love my mom. I love her and respect her...I just cant control her...and she cant control herself either. and I know that she isn't happy. and that she lives in a state of fear all the time.
But I dont know what to do. I dont know how to handle her. I finally got a hold of her when I got home from work....she apparently dragged my 80 year old grand-cousin with her..he answered the phone and told me off and informed me that they were on their way back to new york.
then mom says...a bunch of stuff that doesnt matter..then she started apologizing over and over and that made me feel worse. she just wanted to see her children. If she had just waited until today...I could have spent the entire day with her....as it was..I got piss ass drunk last night after talking to her.
I almost called a few people. just to tell them that I love them and that Im sorry Im so screwed up and that everyone is in pain. and that love is a self-less act. but i didnt. I turned my phone off and drank myself to sleep.
its not the best way to handle things. and it isnt something that I do Every time Im upset. and . I certainly dont handle it like I used to. Damn. getting older sucks.
so..as usual there is a lot of pain hanging over my family. near and far...lives are constantly broken.
I want to tell you something. something that I have very slight faith in...
that im not Broken. that I can love someone. I have a ray of hope inside of me....god's love maybe? that tells me....that I can love someone...right. and though I may be beat up. scarred. different. Its not over. I just read J's blog..and I guess Im echoing the sentiment...it will all be ok. we all have a beauty and we all are amazing works of wonder.
so hang in there friends...and know..that love is out there when you need it...
It was a good entry j..thanks ...
Love and Peace
