Universe you have my heart....earth you have my tears
I was worried about that stuff.
Today I hung out with my niece who thankfully had decided that the circus was not a good idea. how lucky am I right now for that?
clowns. abused animals. chaos. No Thanks. We ate junk food. we watched movies. we painted. we talked. we had a fake kung fu fight...and then we had dinner.
after dinner the phone rang and it was my sister. I didnt think anything of it. no worries. Nothing to be startled about.
she sounded.......like someone does when they have News. I thought. My Mom. My Mom is in some hospital basement.
but no. My Aunt. My mom's sister. her only remaining family from my grandmother's side....is in the hospital with pancreatic cancer.
It doesnt seem right to me. Kathleen was always super hyper. super organic. super healthy. but since my cousin died (he had sever crebral palsy his entire life...she took care of him until he was 29 years old) she hasn't really been the same.
And out of nowhere. I see my mother. facing the prospect of holding her sister's hand whilst she dies. Like she did with my grandmother. And how alone in this world she is going to feel.
It was the one thing my mother has feared. being alone. It was just her ..her mom..and her sister...and it wasnt the warmest place. My mom...in all of her mental weariness...is warm...loving...
beautiful. what the fuck have I done for her? she should be living easy. she should be in a mansion with servants and gardeners.
she should be righted. sorted. not dismantled. being displaced ....dismantles you. Unravels your stability.
I am afraid for her. and .....now that I see my future more clearly..there is less inertia welcome.
I have to take better care of her. I cant let her face the next 30 years of her life...alone.
its hard enough..this life. If you've managed to be super and find someone...forgive me for everytime I shook my head and casted doubts.
Find the family. Keep them close.
I am the most pessimistic person when it comes to love and all that stuff. so I dont know why my heart always breaks when It is so apparent that .....I wont be with someone...living that life. Ive had the chances to forge ahead...and always at the back of my mind...is...how is my mother going to fit into all of this?
Im like a single mother. and you know how popular that is among the men folk.
is that really the issue Jennifer? god.
My Aunt is in the Hospital. With Pancreatic Cancer. She Has No Health Insurance.
My mom is about to lose her only living Immediate family member.
I can pray as much as I want to. It wont hurt less. It wont make me less afraid.
but Im going to do it anyway. Families shouldnt break up. Because we need eachother. Moms and Dads should think about what they are doing. People should give a shit about one another.
Families shouldn't break up.
but they do. so. anyway. Im upset. Please keep my aunt and my mom in your thoughts/prayers....they really need it.
Universe....you have my heart.
Love and peace folks
