Never mind thick night...Darknkess Move Quick-Niesha Tweed

To fail is to live. And sometimes when you think you have really failed someone calls you on the phone and says...gee im really sorry I didnt call you...i was really tired. Little did she know that Ive been avoiding calling her because I thought she was mad at Me because I didnt call her because I wasn't feeling well either.

Its the past you see. Our past. lingering in my mind. making me afraid. Lately Ive been trying to grasp the notion of Now. not yesterday. but Now. The statute of limitations has run out.

Im no longer ignorant is what Im trying to say. Now I know better which brings with it all of the responsibility of self love. Which will let me love you better. All of you. Everyone in my path.

floodtide(here is a hug for you Flood) wrote about a lost friend today. Finding my lost friend has had more of an impact on me than I thought it would have ever had. I had given up really. And to think...for three years she was coming into my store and I never saw her.

Until that one specific day.

This is going to sound so morbid. But. I want to live......with the peace that if I left this life....every bridge was mended (as best as I can do) and that I have been truly honest and merciful.

I want everyday to feel like that. wait. I want every day To Be That. I want to go to work and overcome and give. I want my friends to feel as if they can rest their head on my shoulders.

I want to live in peace. By Creating IT. It doesnt Come. You have to Be it.

And seriously. thats not a simple thing. This life is just one big serpent with one big apple after the other. And admit it...sometimes we take such a huge bite when we should be walking away.

so one more of life's great mysteries is solved...

But. I may die with the biggest question in my life going unanswered which is: Anger and what to do with it. I loathe it. I know sometimes it is purely justified but I never know what to do with it..besides curse (I totally related to that fact Flood) and give up. I hate it.

Its difficult to feel angry and ashamed at the same time. well i mean you know me....i get so overwhelmed all the time anyway.

so this week is m-f work and saturday I have no idea what is happening. I think I might be hanging out and painting with my niece. I really really feel like painting and it saves me money when her and I paint at the same time. Otherwise, I end up using all of my supplies on her projects...and there is nothing left for a while for me.

oh woe is me ...;)

so everyone be well....give yourself a chance and dont worry....you really are beautiful and wonderful.

Peace