bridges

Yesterday was the most incredible. Mandy came into the store to shop. I havent seen her in six years. Ive told the story before in here,but, in case you missed it here is a synopsis: we were both heavy drinkers..she got a dui...and wanted a ride to the bar..I went out boozing with my friends the night before and had to go to work,therefore,there was no way I was going to be able to go boozing that night with her; I was just more than a little hung over and sick..as was my habit.

she left me a voice mail ( a drunk voice mail) and we have never spoken since.

You have no idea what a mess our lives were then. You have no real idea how awfully screwed up I was. I drove drunk twice. I was so drunk I couldnt see...but I made it home without hurting anyone. It was a miracle. or something.

Seeing her yesterday freaked me the hell out at first. I didnt say anything. I gently walked into the back room and composed myself then went back out. from across the store...our eyes locked...and she smiled. I expected cruelty. But she just walked over and said, "I thought about you the other day." And I told her...I had thought of Her the other day.

We were best friends. two people couldn't have been closer and I know her well. As she knows me well. It was a beautiful and abusive friendship. It...could've been such a horrible experience..seeing her again.

But all it did was give me peace. She is doing fine. Her life,like mine, has been a rollercoaster since we last spoke. But man..You have to grasp this...there we stood...two people that should be dead.

Two people that were crazy. Im still crazy I know that. But...Im not nearly as nuts as I was. Wishing everyday to die.

To Die. She..drinking every pain away. Self destruction was our ambition and we sought it out with great fury.

I have never felt so ....comforted.

It isn't something I ever expect anyone to understand.

but Ive pulled through some very dark times. And Im not going to be defeated by the hopelessness thats been creeping up around me lately.

How is it that Im sitting here alive...with my mind in such...

Im so better than I was. Ive written that before too...but..yesterday..was the first time..I had proof in my hands. and it took me two hours to digest the entire encounter.

maybe mandy still hates me...I don't know. but that isn't really the point...the point is that Ive been feeling so afraid lately. so ashamed to exist lately. and its hard to battle that sometimes. Its difficult to feel...like i can have anything good when I look backwards..all I see is alot of violence.

in every concievable way. violence. and dead air.

sighs....sometimes i want to scream. sometimes i just want to lose it. I want someone to see me and tell me that my anger is valid...but Im getting off of the subject.

It was a really really cool thing...to see her. That is one more loose end tied up.

One more yesterday I dont have to beat myself up for anymore.

Peace