The Beauty of the Husband by Anne Carson (book)

I'm starting to fall. I'm starting to count the minutes until I see him. I'm starting to think about dinner.

and i want to tell him that. but I won't.

Im exhausted because we were up all night...until 1 am...and we both had to work early this morning.

But I can't sleep. because I'm worried. I'm worrying about my future. I'm worrying about my credit record. I'm worried about being a burden. I'm worried about being 50 and being lost.

I'm worried that when that moment comes. If that moment comes...he will look at me...and see a liability.

"stop worrying Jen..."

you tell me that everyday C. How much more excepting could you be? And Im sitting here .....scared to death.

I always panic when I start to get close to someone. Im afraid that every shortcoming will suddenly become Huge and Annoying Beyond Comprehension.

I think of the couples that I really like. Like pandionna and her husband....(whom Ive not met..Ive only read about)I think of how lucky He is to have found someone so Together..to love him..as he is. Sometimes when she talks about him...i relate...I see myself ...and I hope and pray to god that someone will give me a chance to love them well...

its early in the C and I relationship. but I feel my feet slipping...

I can only hope we fly instead of drop...

In other Relationship News:

I cried on the way home tonight as I listened to the emotional vows being taken by the couples in Massachusettes...!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

I thought of how many times Ive heard straight people say, "as long as they don't throw it my face Im ok with gay people..."

what the fuck???

I want to be around people that Love. There is so much hatred in the world. And frankly I'm a bit tired of it. I can't stand it anymore.

give me people that give me room. that love me...that let me love them back. give me hand holding,loving,committed people....I want to be in there company. Im pro love.

I want more of it.

to that moron on npr today that said to watch gay couples marry is like watching our very culture detiorate I can only say: Thank Fucking God.

show me Love.

hugs Peace

jen