one day its gonna rise up....-amy ray
today was ok. I didn't get much done; I was mainly playing peacemaker to a bunch of people that didn't want to work or be around eachother.
god grant me peace.
That takes more energy than anything. I just want the work done. that is all. and we have a regional visit coming up that I'm so not in the mood for. blah.
whatever.
I have nothing to give you today dear diary. I saw Justin today and I got to thank him for the goodies. He is a sweetheart... He is the nicest person on the planet...the whole time that my hand was in a cast (even in the splint) if I ordered anything he would Bring it to my table...He could've had a crowd of people...he would still bring me my stuff...is that not Incredible??? He is very very warm and gentle and giving...sigh...I hope he finds a nice man that will appreciate him...he is beautiful.
It doesn't really take much to blow me away either. My Papa gave me a...PEN recently and I nearly jumped for joy. It's a really cool non-smear gel pen. :) Nothin says joy like a gel pen Yo!!!
:) hmmm..what else...
my brain is fried. I need some dinner actually. Oh yeah...the wedding I'm in? I'm supposed to read a poem...I have been totally putting it off...She called me today (the bride K) and asked me if I had the poem picked out...I SO DON'T.
but you know..I have a ton of books and a ton of poems...and I know K...I know how to move her...and that is all I'm interested in doing. I want her to realize how much I appreciate her despite our solid differences. She knows every secret I have ever had. And she takes me as I am.
I offer her the same courtesy. She is homophobic..in a Big Big Way. And I just refuse to talk to her about it. I can't. I get too upset. We don't hang out anymore...I am way too opinionated and I have a hard time keeping my views to myself. Besides the fact that....we both needed to put the past way way way behind us.
I miss Mandy. I miss her with all of my heart. She was the one that made bootleg tapes of her albums for me so that i wouldn't die in contemporary christian music hell. She opened up the world for me. She was my sister's age...but my sister was into boys etc...I was into books and politics and music. And Theater.
Mandy and I used to go to see the Indigo Girls play every time that they came through town at the boathouse. I was face to toe with Amy Ray's boots.
It was really funny how many women would hit on Manda. omg..she is just beautiful. and through the beer haze we always just said that we were together. we used to joke about how I was Amy and she was Emily.....me with my darkness and she with her gentleness,black guitar,and red hair.
We aren't friends anymore. We were both heavy drinkers. I didn't realize how intense our problems had gotten. She was popping pain killers and drinking. I was binging on alchol every single weekend and then on lunches at work. She got a dui and I promised I would take her out on the following weekend...but..I didn't...I got too drunk and had to work...and I had to sleep.
We never spoke to eachother again. She left me a voice mail...drunk of course...it's not like it was the first time I ever let her down either. I sat back most of the time....and let her make all the decisions because I thought that is what she wanted. When she did ever entrust me to do anything I usually blew it.
I put off getting concert tickets once and they ended up selling out. Yeah...I suck. Big.
She slapped me once. Yes. slapped me. And I didn't think I really deserved it. I don't think you ever deserve to be slapped....unless you are defending yourself. But I never said anything to her about it.
I must deserve it on some level...is what I thought. Time has passed. I know I changed right before her eyes. I know I failed her. I know she struggled with things bigger than her. But I also know that she worked her ass off to beat those things.
When she got sick...I wasn't there for her. I was with the drummer. The single most gigantic mistake of my life.
Anyway. Why did she slap me? Because I accidentally hit the wrong interior light in the car on our way back from d.c one night.
I just sat there.
To this day I'm sheepish about making plans because I'm sure somehow I will dissapoint someone.
I'm a child in a woman's body. It's pathetic.
Anyway. I miss Mando-Commando.
I'm sure she is happy and sound. I hope she is. I know she is with a nice fellow....she wanted babies at some point too...so I hope she has been able to do that...
"you can bury the past...its a mausoleum..." -amy ray 'Tether'
I'll throw ashes instead.
over the mountain. into the air. swallowed by water. embraced by the earth.
seeds.
future.
evolution.
everyone be well
peace
