Putting the Damage On -tori amos

gun. here's a ramble.explosion.here's a riddle.bang.here's my story.shoot.here is my hearing. here is my weapon. my self defense. my defended self.

exhaust is my favorite artist. she is number one. pollock is number two.

both furious.bulletts.both charged by fire. both live (or lived in jackson's case) on faith. faith is the only thing that can thrive in a black hole. both with their heads shaking. and out comes oil. the deep beneath their earth oil. the colors. the shapes. of living.

life feels like a balled up piece of paper. and it is sitting in my hand. and I don't know who I become sometimes. sometimes I only want to give you what it is I think you want. and in those moments...my faith is..my belief is...my truth is...is that I am..so...unworthy of you.

I have this idea. of an arm that extends down. a sculpted arm with a hand that I can grab onto..so I can believe that someone is giving a shite. so I have a hand to hold onto.

that can pull me out.

being alone alot...doesn't feel like being alone. until you are around someone you really like. someone you have never had the courage to truly love. someone that is everything you want to be. someone you just can't shake.

someone that is good. nice. beautiful.

and a good friend.

so now Im shaking my head at myself. and that shaking makes good art. see the words scrawled on the inside of my forehead. words composed whilst my back was pressed against a sound booth. words and photographs imprinted with the sounds of live music.

Tattooed into me. spattered onto the sketchbook pages. red ink. black ink. pencil lines.

words of love that I never say. eyes of mine that look straight on. Im telling my story over and over. in art there is only one truth: that you tell the truth.

I have so much more I want to say.

I see you. with family photos and baby stories. and a minivan with rock and roll bumper stickers. And you are going to save lives.

my ballad:

I have no idea where Im headed. because I always want to figure out...how you will fit into it.

to my favorite artist:

Carie. I wish I could make all of your challenges vanish. I can't tell you enough how much I think of you.

I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I want to be seen.

but I want to hide.

Love and Peace

seated woman with bent knee by Egon Schiele