Die Thin

I made the mistake of weighing myself today. oh man. wrong thing to do. like I needed to know That.

But. this is my one journey with this particular model. so maybe I should make optimum use of it.

It has been my last. My one lingering. After the alcohol. After the Smoking. There it is. My body. I vacated her Years ago. Im kind of curious of what it is she is fully capable of.

and no. Im not doing this to be accepted by anyone. Im not really into that. That will kill me. I Love big bodies. I like to grab them and hold onto them. I like to sink into someone. I like thin little bodies. I can Envelop them. I love people for who and what they are. Looks. that is our culture's way of usurping natural selection...and deciding who is worthy and who isn't. not my scene.

I understand Attraction. yeah sure I do. I really do. so. if someone is not attracted to me..I understand that...I don't get hurt by that. I get hurt by mean boys that were never really turned onto me in the first place..exploiting my heart for their benefit. People like that suck. that just sucks. I can respect a lack of attraction...that is civil.

anyway. I really want to work on it. Lose about 40 lbs...and hopefully I will be able to stop there. Im always afraid of leaping into wieghing/starving/wieghing/not giving a fuck binging/mass hysteria. It is no good being an Addicted person.

Addiction just shows I've never had to flex my life muscles. It just means Ive never tried to really Live.

Living. is going for it. Living is choosing to take the consequences and live without a crutch. maybe??? or maybe everyone has a cructh or two..maybe it just depends on what that is???

I feel. I feel. how do I feel.I feel like waking up in the morning healthy.

of mind. of spirit. of body.

It is only 9:35 pm. Im so restless.

Im going to go and clean something.

love and peace

phat girl