help me my mom called

My mom is a frequent topic here because she is on my mind every single solitary moment of my life :) As has been the practice since I was 10. I wired her some $$ today which is Not a problem at all. I don't mind helping her. But she is telling me I need to find a place for her to live and that I need to make sure she doesn't die alone and I have to..have to ..have to...which..If I could just put her up in a nice place..trust me..It would be done allready. As it is Im working my fool ass off to get ahead for myself.

but the equation is two. not one. this is my future. Her. the Abuser. the Abuser. I can't ... I don't know what Im going to do. I can help her as much as I can.. she is mentally ill..I will have to look after her..the rest of my siblings have children and have told me in so many unpleasant words that Ive amounted to Nothing Anyway therefore I should be left to take care of her anyway..which..you know..I mean..of course she is my MOM..I would Never Leave strangers in poverty If I could get them out I certainly wouldn't let that happen to Her.. But...im left with a hollow adolescent trembeling...it only leaves me melting into the unseen ground of life in a vacuum.

When I get around my family...all together...i fall apart. I am treated like garbage. That is how they see me. Garbage. It isn't a warm group of people. My mom tried. My dad tried. you know...thier parents Were Horrid! My parents never Beat me...thiers did..but Still..there was abuse...and Ive found it easier to keep some of them at a great distance in order to deal with the residue of thier actions.

Im glad Im old enough...to..look back..and say..Oh that clearly wasn't nice to say...or that was completely inappropriate...it makes me feel Less LIke a Freak..you know? I grew up...hiding painting over trying my damndest to keep Everything on the DL...

Everyone can see...but only a few special people along the way braved it..and reached out to me...

Love does conqure all...Light in the Darkness always prevails...one way or another...

Im scared. Im blah blah ..a million things Ive said before. OH. and Get This. She has decided to come down here ON The Precise Weekend I was to Get Drunk and Boogie!!!! Or is it Boogy?

someone come down here and make love to me...Now! And Bring Vodka!

ahh eh bleh....

Im sure Im missing something...that is my one comfort in life..that there is a clue or a solution...and Im just not seeing it quite yet...

oh and I really really really really Love the Jayhawks!!!!! god they make me dissipate :)

check outsupercilious' diary..he has some new pictures up :)

Love Peace and Spanish Fly