Love is not a victory march...

the elusive cds arrived with my name written in your ever so decisive handwriting. its been a year. why do i miss you. will I be missing you two years from now. when you are having baby pictures made at sears. when will my heart not miss you. when will I forgive myself for losing you. when will I forgive myself for not being her. her .that is so much of you. so much of you on her own without trying. I can see the elements of resolution on the wall with letters like codes like chemicals...a periodic table of definitions. for all of my questions. supercilious "there is just no middle ground with you is there?" no. and thats how I lost him. So much emotion (shining neon orange in the calm of the delicate beauty around me)that grabs and speaks with tongues of blade and gasping smoke. thats how I lost him. I fought fate. I battled with bloody machinery..nature. Im not sad and/or hopeless. Im just a liar when I say I dont miss him. Its unresolved. his greatest power was leaving me hanging in my own web of chaos. Ill be ok. what do i desire that is in him...that I so badly must have it? Order. success. I want reward. for what? blah. Im not where Im supposed to be. Im not living as I want to live. read every entry since may of last year and Ill tell you: my nemeis is only Me. Ill be alright. I have power to create anything. wouldnt the world suck If I were god...wondering what the right thing is all the time...life never would have gotten started...

do you ever have days when you feel ugly in public..missed in coversation...the victim of shallowness and ego...yet at home...with your books,music,and dog...you are a lovely sexy interesting kind good person? I have to admit a thought ive had today...today I have felt...like..if someone would only see...give me a chance...they'd see Im not so bad at all.

its a tough week. Im feeling sorry for myself. thats the beauty of this thing. all my self pity can find a suitable home.

music:

snow patrol is so good....it makes the radio a mystery to me.

jeff buckley is an angel that wanted to sing songs in front of humans and when god saw that he might actually become a bit famous...he had to call him home...but he is still here...I think...floating around...whispering the most beautiful words ive ever heard...

I needed my music...my "veins" of discontent are filled with the mellow juice...

beauty. dont you have a craving for me? dont you desire my soul as my soul desires you? where are you and why are you there...waiting for me..in corners...in corners...the things Im trying to eliminate. beauty. dont you desire me. I crave you like air to the buried. I crave you.

I love all of you

I want to enjoy you now...before we all say good bye...and are only pieces of eachothers puzzle...

peace