she doesnt own a dress....
very lovely stuff. its bitterly cold out and thus this room is bitterly cold as it takes the heat ever so much time to realize it needs.to.actually.be.heating.
"smiling through his tears, he adds in all fairness,'Books are excellent for supposing,proposing,exposing,and deposing argument,but love is Superlative,too,wherever it may chance to be..'"-george scarbrough
and where do you think it may be hiding..in the most random places..right under your nose..in the eyes of elderly ladies needing stockings...laughing and dancing around you...playing hide and go seek in your hallway...
I havent seen my niece nearly enough in the last couple of weeks..and its starting to supremely bug me. Its very funny how we all 'fight' over who gets to take her places. I miss her. She is growing up so fast. children really are amazing..(and to think that was us once...). I hope she knows how loved she is. Children and Elderly people are kind of addictive. I just want to wrap them up in warm blankets and hug them.
Yesterday a very sweet elderly lady came into work needing clothes for a funeral. all it takes is focus and concern and some people open right up. the be-damned-cant-wait-to-fire-you B set this 80 year old woman to forage through our stuff on her own...Not Polite at All. I saw her standing there...just lost. anyway. after she and I found her a few things (god she was just so cute) she told me that the woman who died had always trusted her above anyone else...and that somehow...the plan to go see her on thursday,which included about five other people,turned a bit wonky and she ended up seeing her..all alone..."we had things to say that no one else would have understood..it was so that she could be herself..her very last moments..." for the tons of people that make me believe that people suck and that Im dieing in this job and that Im going to go Super Soaker all over the silk blouses one day....She...these lovely people that come in...with hearts like lambs and lions.....that lend witness to their beauty....the beauty of the blood of life...I feel so comforted by them. And I remember that I like helping people...more than anything else.
I feel like no one needs me...and that makes me feel so Lost. I hope she comes back...
supercilious is really wonderful,just so you know, and he asked me how i could be so nice...in light of the absolute darkness of life. I rambled a very long email...and I still dont know if i answered the question...I dont think Im all that nice to begin with. At work Im the strict one when you are slacking off...I have a facial expression my mother used to call "the glint"....I dont yell when Im mad. I get very quiet...and the anger pulsates through my eyes straight into the individual in my gaze...most people dont like to mess with that...ha ha..if they only knew..I cant back it up. I want you to think Im a saint...but common sense would rule that out. for no one is. except my nieces and nephews.they are divinely perfect. I wish I was a storm sometimes...I wish I had a hunger to Take on the world rather than to Save it. for at least if I had a hunger to conquer..maybe i would actually have a piece of it.
when I was 13 years old my mother told me that she no longer wished to be a mother. she said she was done and wanted no part of it. ok. so my mother never saw a nother report card and If I wanted to ditch school she could say nothing about it. but i still had to cook her dinners. wash her clothes. clean out her car etc etc etc. (i didnt know I could have run...). I became even more insular than I was. I was very sad and hopeless. I had good friends but I never invited them over...there was my mom on the wine...on her knees praying in tears...telling me I was like the devil because the dishes werent cleaned. anger stared to manifest itself in horrible nightmares. I was giving up. I wanted to die. One night a friend of mine invited me to a play...that was my one passion..Anything Artistic Please..and Plays? You could never get me to one fast enough. this happened to be at a church...the show was called toymaker's dream...of course a biblical allegory..but it was very cool...mime dancing...pyrotechnics (the devil was bad ass) and at 13..it seemed like the most innovative thing Id ever seen...
I hadnt slept in days. I hadnt eaten in days. I was starving for Hope. I went to the altar that night. I was begging God for manifestation. I was beggin God for Love. starving,begging...I would've done anything to feel alive. and I did. that night I slept more peacefully than I ever have in my life. My life changed. for I could feel inside of me....hope. thats where it always started for me...in those man made shrines to man...at the altars where god whispers...
I believe in love if nothing else. that is my faith. my hope. my hunger.
hmmm. a bit long this...isnt it?
and I have to get to the bank...
so peace and cheers
and I Love You
I really do..I hope I dont sound preachy...you know too much about me to know that I have no room to and that I wouldnt...right?.
