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When I say that I have nothing to write about. I mean I have nothing to write about. I feel like a big O. I am working towards nothing.

go to school? move to richmond,c-ville,california?? what the hell. Im sort of bummed because I cant seem to take any kind of decisive action. This is me without a bf. This is me without a life to build around someone else. This is me with no framework. no map. no yellow brick road. I dont know. what I am doing. what I want. where Id like to be in a year etc.

Happier. that I know. Free. I know that too. but. And I think this is a self worth issue or something. Ive had very ambitious bfs in the past. Very driven men...and I was the supporter. I was the one that made it all easier...bearable...I was the peace in thier river of siege. And when I no longer served any purpose. I was easily let go.

supercilious pointed me back to an entry I wrote when I was still using jpeace121....and I ...still have to challenge myself to see...myself...on my own. without someone to take care of. I thank him for pointing that entry out (will you marry you).

I need taking care of. I am the only one who can sufficiently do that. I am the only one that could possibly love me enough to change my life.

and who i am doesnt need as much changing as much as the lies I tell myself. that needs changing. I sometimes sleepwalk. waste time. put it off. run my fingers through the distant tendrils of a better life and walk away from it. I have never won. I dont know what to expect. I dont want to be this Loser forever.

what makes me a loser? that I have more faith in fear...than anything sometimes. I ll get over it. Everything will be ok.

I want to feel good.

poetry by Charles Simic

The Prompter

The one who had been whispering

All along in this empty theater

And whose voice I just heard-

Or imagined I did

Distracted as I was by my own thoughts.

God Have mercy on my poor soul

Was to be my line, which I couldnt bring myself to say with the shivers going up my spine like little white mice.

And when I finally did get around to, there was no response,a clap, someome chuckling briefly Is all I hoped for And not this great sweep of nothing.

-c simic

Peace