A quick injection of my lack of fortitude

im having a restless night. a night where I want to be erased from everyone's consciousness. a night where I want everything erased from my consciousness. the truth is I feel exposed. I feel sleepless. I feel anxious. I feel like a failure. a let down. a disappointment. an accosted idea. I wont be able to sleep. I wont be able to call anyone. I wont be able to Free Up. I will paint and I will dig my fingers into the paint and I will poor all of my strange fear into the surface. and It wont rid my soul of this trembling that I feel. I wanted to shut my diary down. but what for? its not like 700 people read this. it doesnt matter. This is mine...Carie said so. and that is just it. this is mine. like my life. which is raw and strange.

I want you to turn away and delete me. just forget all about me. Its hot in here. and the wind has stopped. no breeze. no relief.

I used to drink myself to sleep on nights like this. or smoke. or eat. or something. something not so good.

but I will paint and write and hope..that this angst in my gut is just passing. and not a preminition that anyone is not well.

Im sorry for all this chaos. tonight I just feel so alone. it will pass.

It will be turned into acrylic smears.

love and peace to all

the consciencetious objector