and this just feels like......

Lets see where I am.

9 days until christmas. and all I keep thinking about is....oh god I cant wait until its over. this has been a relatively mild season...nothing at work too (note the Too) crazy...

Im just not much in the mood.

Ive outgrown the excitement of stuff and Im heartbroken that my niece and brother wont be here....I had a dream about my mother: she was sobbing and saying how she just wanted her children around her. It broke my heart. There is no way that my brothers my sister and my mom will ever be in the same room. It wont ever happen. My mom is especially brutal to my brothers....and I always feel like I have to protect them from her to a point. There are so many fucking dynamics!

and this just feels like spinning plates.(radiohead)

Anyway. I feel really hollow this year. I wish my family got along...but they don't so...

blah blah blah me me me

:)

I should really Ponder what it is that I am Grateful for.

greatful. grateful. I can't spell. oh dear god.

What I am thankful for

1. Life---It is scarey. It is wondrous. It is heartbreaking. It is dark and it is beautiful. and everyday that I mourn or celebrate...Im brought to the very edge of the thin electric radiance of existence.

2. Laughter---It really is the best medicine! And since I am a dark moody ho...when people make me laugh..I just treasure them...

3. Mercy---from god the universe and everyone in my life directly and indirectly.

4. Strangers---that teach me to be humble and shut up and listen.

5. Friends---near and far...some Ive met some I havent. some are near but far away...I so Love all of YOU...you dont even know how much! Thanks for always being there for me!!!! Remember to be nicer to yourselves...You are awesome people!

6. Family---you slaughter me and heal me in the same motion. No matter what happens...we are still a force for the good side in the world.

7. Good Music---for getting me through whatever it is that I cannot articulate or should ever have to.

8. Writers---for taking all of those words and creating something powerful (this inludes you fellow bloggers!)

9. Cold Weather---dude.

10. Gray Goose---duuuuude.

11. Gohhdiiivahhh---oh yeah.

12. Nice Mechanics---they are the banes and saviours.

Thanks for another great year everyone....

Love and Peace

Jennifer