red lights

flowing through the channels of traffic in the cooler air and the warm sun watching the carless walk with grocery bags to the bus stop or back home to their apartments their containers. sitting in temporary lux-ory with mogwai in the cd player transcending the red and the green the visual cues the authors of travel. crying to myself about failure about big mistakes about loneliness about my fragility about how he is better and found love and how it sucks to be happy for someone that wont ever see you again. listening to mogwai as if it were the soundtrack to some film unfolding in front of you. feeling love spill out of me like melted icicles into some infinite space hoping someone will think good thoughts of me when I die. drinking a drink from the sweaty water bottle. pressing on the brakes. wondering how I ended up so lucky so blessed so protected. wishing I had had a pen and paper that would instantly write down the thoughts I think when drive. there is so much beauty in the midst of so much dread and chaos. I drive through it every day and wish I could show you what it is that I see. I feel like no one knows me. Im not sure Im worth knowing sometimes....sometimes we dont know what we have...even when it is all a mess....

Shauna got a call today at work that her best friend's husband killed himself. There were some problems there but no one expected this. my mom used to threaten to kill herself all the time. she would walk into my bedroom when I was little and blame her madness on my bad housekeeping skills . He went to his father's cottage in Idaho and sat in his car..in the garage..and slowly drifted away.He had a wife and two children...very young. Shauna kept saying No over and over. It was horrible.

Im blessed by god. because I was given a chance to see the other side of my mistakes. I had no hope. I was crazy. I believed that I was....more pain than I was worth. life gets bad sometimes. sometimes because we mess things up. sometimes bad people hurt us. sometimes we have things wrong with us...we're sick in our bodies or our minds. it's hard when you feel that you have failed everyone. even god.

thank you god for hope. for compassion. for mercy. for understanding. for a second chance. for all the ashes i walk through for all the burned bridges I sometimes want to traverse....i thank you for giving me a bridge back to myself. thank you god for everyone in my life......

even those that dont really want me around anymore but still manage to show me kindess. for the ones that make me laugh and lift me up when I lose my way. for the ones that show me love when i forget what it is.

thank you god for the stranger i never met that made me cry today....

I love you all

thank you for all that you give to me

Peace