64 to 264. 264 to 64 to 664.

it's been five years since I last traversed those roads. and things have changed. and things have remained.

the route is still the same. east to west. north to south. congestion. 90 minutes and 50 miles. I was in Va Beach today for work.

yeah it was a long day and yeah Monitor is about 30 mins out of my way but the hrbt is always backed up. I can't believe I used to do this commute everyday. Its insane. sometimes i made that commute completely hammered from paryting.

the last time I was on these roads was when I said a final goodbye and to pick up my stuff from the drummer. He had allready put her picture in new frames that I bought him and I was crushed.

It was so adolescent of me.

all of it.

five years ago. has it been five years? five years since january 18th 1999. a sunny unseasonably mild winter's day. a big glass of water. my meal for the day. and every pill in the medicine closet that I could find. the bulk of being those in my guatemalen change purse. I loved that thing. I loved the colors and the fact that it came from guatemala. and in it...were the tickets to my view of death from the side that makes this existence....so....simple.

How has five years passed by so fast? And what have I done? Did it really take me this long to heal up? to find a bit of sanity. Yes.

Moreso in the last two years really.

Two years ago in January...on the night of the first snowfall...I thought God had forgiven me by allowing me to be with JL. I thought if God would allow me to be in his life...then god must still love me...because he wouldnt've given JL just anyone....not someone like him...who had a mission in life.

Perceptions. god almighty. the Perceptions. That quickly-sabotaged-by-me relationship was the clincher.

I had to finish putting my life back in order. I had to seek and find god on my own. I had to chose faith or no faith. and now in the last year....getting more honest with myself.

I still tend to lie to myself. I still tend to believe the worst of myself. but. You know.

I choose life and happiness.

I believe god loves me....and that he/she is still beside me. I believe she hears me.....

life is our only promise. strength may be the only result.

...I hope right now...you have love in abundance. I hope it is falling out of every portal of your soul.

Peace