Broken Hallelujah

how are you all doing? I'm fine. working and stuff. my great excitement for the week was getting a flat and buying two tires. weeeee. don't you envy me. ;)

I hope everyone had fun yesterday....I went for red wine and a superior veggie cheeseless pie at Diraldo's. Nice. verrry goood.

just me and my pizza yeah that's all i need.

my dad and I had a conversation yesterday....we were talking about mom. He told me he loved my mom once...really loved her...but somewhere along the line...he realized he wasn't into her at all anymore. And I didn't tell him...but my mom didn't even want to get married.

all of it terrifies me. I'm scared to death of it. the last time I was in love I was seriously in love but it just sent me running....what keeps someone from leaving. what keeps someone from waking up one morning and just going. Will i be that person?

My dad said that mom got really hyper-nervous once she started having children. And he wasn't really all that into it either...but..you know he had drugs and booze to get him through. my mom had her faith and I believe I am eternally indebted to her for sharing that with me. Despite all of her Mental Problems....her love god and nature and art...are beautiful enduring testiments to her humanity.

I'm afraid I will turn into her. I'm afraid I'm going to end up more alone than is healthy.

Papa said I'm way ahead....and that it takes alot of conscious life changing work...to alter the influence your parents can have on you.

is crazy a gene? like addiction is?

How do I get over this fear of relationships and this fear of being alone?

Isn't every song I listen to asking the same question?

Will I ever be good enough to redeem myself.......

am I looking at this all the wrong way???

does anyone have a magic wand I can borrow?

everyone be well Love and Peace