blah blah blah=blah dollars

well I wish had something creative to share with you. or at the least..something exciting to talk about. but I don't really.

Ive finally...on nov 22nd...that was yesterday...figured out the plot to my nano story...that Ive been avoiding like the plague And the sad thing is? Im scrapping most of it...because now everything is different...and Im glad to have found something to give my main character...that will inject purpose and meaning into her life. :)

A question. A mystery. something that sets her on a journey. something that turns her circles into straight lines which are filled with circles. its great. :)

and I think she is finally seeing how kind people are. Its....she is like a moth that turns into a butterfly. :)

I know this makes no sense to you...but if I ever get the whole thing done..I will let you all read it. I promise.

My sunday has been quiet. which was lovely. Ive put up some christmas decorations...and Ive been running through recipes to see how they work.

see I told you...nothing fantastic.

now Im drinking tea and rummaging through the ny times..and trying hard not to think about what tomorrow brings...

but all i can think of is what tomorrow brings...or really..what will I be bringing to it.

you've read this here before:

fear is my thing. being scared. it is my process. everything goes through the panic strainer. even when i was a little girl. I needed reassurance...so much comfort. but you know how it is...I didn't always get it..so all of that emotion..just..had to be ignored. I guess everyone has their thing. I don't do well with change. which is why not much changes. because I often buy into that world of horrible possibilities.

Yes. I agree. Its no way to live. but it is what I have been given to overcome. this is my lesson.

And what I know from past experience is that more often than not....whatever It is that Im so afraid of..is not nearly as bad as I had believed. they started when I was 10...those out of nowhere anxiety attacks.

you know I could go on and on. about things that have happened to me that sucked.

Im not. let me stop myself.Its not like I grew up in cambodia. and its not like I can't help myself out now.

so anyway...

do you ever have times when you just need the world cheering you on?

I love all of you and I do appreciate you very much...

Peace