"I wanted him to feel what they feel"
10:45pm
Tonight..on the way home..I saw something I have never seen. I have seen three of my sister's children be born. I have seen goslings grow up into geese. Ive watched my niece grow from an infant to a nine year old. But I have never seen anyone or anything die. I was cruising along the road tonight wondering why the truck ahead of me was going so slowly. A young deer popped out of nowhere...and Bam..the truck slammed right into him and kept going. Kept. Going. I watched as the deer lie paralyzed...It was horrid.
And I was crying. I thought how blessed I have been--if this is all that I have seen of Death in action--then Im fortunate. I think of health care workers. chaplins. nurses. doctors. mothers holding their infant children. children holding the hands of their mothers/fathers. soldiers holding the bodies of their brethren. south central L.A...teenagers in the streets with guns. the corners of new orleans where zombies are created. Iraq. Afghanistan. vietnam.
Ive not suffered any of that. my mother was suicidal when I was growing up...but she never even tried. She was a passive suicide. no seatbelts. etc etc
death came in waves...taking many friends by car accident...drunk drivers mostly. my cousin died of aids...in one year..one very long year...he went from fine to gone. but I wasn't there.
Im fascinated by our grief. death is so natural. It is an every day every minute occurence. yet it Kills,Destroys,Decimates,Finishes us. The pain that comes from the absence of someone in our lives. It is profound.
Ive been humbled alot in the last few days. Let this stand as one more day of god being the loving friend to me that I need. I have had to come face to face with my own hypocrisy...my own judgementalism...my own lack of character.
I had a fight..I spoke my mind..I spoke it loud and clear..and then I felt guilty...horribly so..then I had a dream..
I had a dream about a bunch of parents that locked their teenage children into the duct of this hollywood mansion....I started screaming and yelling at this woman that was holding a martini...this bothered me because the parents had just spent an hour telling the kids what awful people they were. I called her Hipocryte over and over..I was yelling at her. Just so you know...Im not a yeller. I barely speak loudly enough to be heard correctly at all. Most of the time I can't deal with speaking period.
I was able to get the teens out of the duct....which was important to me. I wanted to be the one to save them. that is important because....I think sometimes I just want to be the one that is right. the one with all the answers...The One.
Is it a self esteem thing? or is it a birth order thing? :)
Another dream I had that was really way out there...was the cathedral dream. I walked into this cathedral with some guy I don't even know...and I was scoffing and murmuring...because I didn't know what to do (Im not catholic)...suddenly the room was filled with children...and the room was bathed in red and gold...and the choir boys bowed as I passed...and suddenly I felt very reverent...and I made the sign of the cross and I knelt...I had been walking down the center aisle all the way to the altar...by the time I got there...I was on my knees...and in total peace...I felt...felt...very humbled.
I wish I knew another word. but that is something Ive been digesting.
humility brings you down to the earth you know?
Its not such a bad place to be....
Im tired and another long day awaits me...
thanks to everyone for all that you bring to my life...
love and peace
Put a little bird house in your soul
