1:08
another person from work has quit. TB. she will be finishing out the week..thank god...but then its just me and the mean girl managing. which means there will be many 15 hour days in my near future. Im allready freaking out.
But. How many times do I have to be put in this situation before I realize I loathe this situation and I want my life to change.
Ive had myself convinced Im dumb. Ive convinced myself Im ugly. Ive convinced myself everyone else was right and Im all wrong. And that everyone is looking for a way out..of being in a relationship with me. There, in a nutshell, is my mania.
what is in my heart? Ill be the judge of that thank you. what are my intentions? God has given me breath. What will I give back? Love keeps welling up from deep down. I want to be known as someone that brought light to the world. I want to be thought of as someone that never gave up and always pulled through. I want to know these things for myself.
Im trying to clear my audience...for thier true voices can't be heard anyway. I only hear hecklers. And you know...that is just coming from me.
from me to me. clinging to myths taught to me by mom growing up. well Im all grown up now. No Excuses anymore. Im in charge here. I am worth taking better care of.
If I knew what I really wanted...Id go for it. I don't know. I think that maybe its time go for Something. and just see how it goes. Its time to put an end to this. This way Ive been living my life with my head down and my tears held fast...always with a sheild up to block the i love yous that life tries to throw me.
I am a kind of narcissitic person..absolutely..you bet. Everything is about Me. You didn't know that??? :) Extreme Self Consciousness....Extreme Self Deprecation....Extremely Controlling....
thats not love you know. That's fear.
thats anger and fear mixing themselves in the smoky potions of my soul's belly...believing they are alchemists...believing they are creating what can only be Real Gold.
If you dig the right mines...You Can Find That. But. I think so much of it is throwing your arms up and saying..this isn't working...Im done with This.
I admire people that have a handle on this. I admire people that are able to be aggressive about their lives. my last conversation with JL rings in my head now and then..."people are waiting for you to say what you want..."
I want....
happiness
peace
laughter
meaning
pride (the good kind)
new experiences
and yes I want love in my life
and yes I believe that I am blessed with a tense/crazy but loving family. I have few but amazingly loving friends. and all of you. that make my world Bigger. I learn from you. I am enchanted.
If my life were a novel...this would be the beginning...the beginning that starts in the middle. The middle that starts in the cup of tea almost done...or the bowl of soup suspended in mid enjoyment by a stray thought... Ive always wanted to start a play....or really a scene in the 2nd act...with an unknown character...walking out the door..stage left...while the silent character watches..leaning against a chair...stage right...
watching the skewed perception....walk out....
Im off to work...
love and peace to all
Jen
