I am always one goal away from greatness

March Madness...Ncaa championships....Round 1...Duke beat Southern by 16 points. Nice Game too. I was happy to see Southern step it up and give Duke something to fight for. It was a close game...a 4 point game going into the second half. And You know...JJ...he was letting his team mates play...but in the end...If you have the goods and the ability you have to step it up...sheldon williams and jj both had 29 points..wait didn't JJ get 3 more?)... this has been a major point throughout the season....Is JJ the one man show? I have to say....Where is the rest of his team? He is a strong and smart player....He had himself together last night....It was amazing. So unlike the game against Unc...oh my god...Duke just seemed Out of IT.

That's college b-ball if you are wondering. Im into it. College basketball, Hockey, and Soccer. Those are the games I like.

I saw your face in a crowded place...and I dont know what to do...because I will never be with you...

Isn't it the most heart wrenching thing...to realize that you are now That person in someone's life...the one that almost cried in a restaurant?

Yes. I did. I almost did. but I didn't. Because Im cool. Im actually not cool...Im a deeply passionate deeply feeling person afraid of her own intensity..constantly holding herself back because she is afraid to give up control even to her own feelings. ahem.

But my heart is my heart. I am ok. I am proud and inspired by Chris...he is doing really well..he has a 8 lb gorilla in his life right now and he is dealing with it beautifully. And he Looks Great.

happy. healthy. smart.

it's good to see him. i tried all night to not say anything. i didn't know if I should. but I Wanted to. For the sake of having my words on the table.....(god was I being emotional i ordered too much food!) and because it was ever so rare that i would ever open up and say anything.

I wanted to look him in the eye and see what he thought as he looked at me. I wanted to look at him and hear him once more...and tell him...I understood.

the scariest thing in the world is standing here in my "house" and not having a single clue how it operates.

the words in his email keep popping up as reminders "even i knew this was not for Forever"

like a post it on my computer reminding me to pick up the dry cleaning....I keep seeing it...and thinking...Oh...yeah...that's right.

(but was I anything...was there anything i did right...)

Im fine.

Im in the last 6 weeks of this position with my job. I am lost within my company........I believe so entirely in what it is that we do...but...I don't think Im the right person.

It is stressing me out to no end.

Mama Mia...

My mom called...she flew to Seattle to see my Aunt....who is in fact...now...on her deathbed...with Advanced Pancreatic Cancer. She is is hospice and she is on morphine.

You will recall that we thought initially that she had this illness a year or so ago?? then she told my mom...oh no...Im ok.

Now. She is in Hospice. She refuses to let her son take care of her...which is a shame because my cousin Karl is an amazing and loving person....that my aunt doesn't even know.

I pray to God and Goddesses and whom ever else will listen:

may i grow. may i grow out of fear and into love.

Love those near you and those far...tell someone how much you care...

right now.

Love and Peace

jen