My life as Installation Art gone digital

I feel so far away. Ive been busy. busy with small stuff. helping my step mom and my papa work on their demolition/re-construction of thier closet and bedroom. working. working things out at work. applying for jobs in san francisco. boxing things up. lightening my load. talking to G. almost nightly. I feel bad because I never have anything really interesting to say...nor do I have any magical words of comfort...its just me..groping for something to give him. reaching for something that will wash away his angst and bring him rest. and its like I just sit there. and He makes Me laugh and smile and hold my phone all night in my sleeping hands...as if holding onto his lingering voice. his world is dark and right now in the midst of extreme change...like a snake shedding its skin during a hurricane.

I feel distant. I feel distant from this computer. I get caught up so easily. I have real things I need to take care of. Like my Mother. I need to figure out what in the hell Im going to do with her. She has somehow gotten herself entrenched financialy ....she had a house to sell..my nanna's..but she filed for section 8 housing (why why why) and gave up her half of the house. I am not the smart one in the family you know? I dont know how to freaking help her. but her life is depending on Me coming up with something. If I can just get a settled in Cali with a decent job I can at least move her out there with me and keep a watchful eye and keep her sheltered and fed.

so much for my dreams of ever being a movie star. so much for being interviewed by charlie rose..(goofy grin). dreams are good. and we can always have small doses even in the midst of such stark realities.

realities:

war. pow's. cant stomach it. it literally makes me shudder. I have no words. This is the reality of War. Young people,babies,children,People Die. People Die. Are murdered. my freaking god. Its like a freaking video game. How many points for an 18 year old girl from Ohio? How many points for blowing up a Mosque? I cant watch the battle on the news. It seems almost disrespectful. It seems sick. The Fact That Abc and Cnn are Competing for our attention....with Live War Telecasts..is the most Horrid thing Ive ever witnessed. 9/11 wasnt orchestrated by the media it just happened and that was a moment I wont ever forget. But This. This is ill, people. Its not over. Its just getting started. And we want it over. Like a one hour episode of West Wing. But its going to be Years. This is our fingerprint on the future.

I honestly believe it would take a great committment on the part of all of us in america to turn things around. and I dont know if that is possible. could we live without so much stuff if it meant no more out-sourcing and more jobs? In Japan...someone my age or younger can earn a sort of social security..if they aid in the care of elderly people in their communities. Would we do it? Could we organize? Manage? Assist? so we can All benefit from a better life?

I asked my mom once when I was very young..why god would allow poverty and illness to exist on such a massive scale..her answer was..."so people with more will have someone to give to...and that will teach us all to give for someone always has less than you do..."

that is an ideal i have ingrained in my soul. I think I grew up thinking thats how everyone saw things. But. Im very selfish with my time. Im very selfish period. I am an ostrich. my head is in the sand because I am afraid of crumbling.

my friend Nicole looked at me yesterday and said, "Jennifer..Just Live."

Yes. Live. As the world falls into the hands of mighty alteration..live..while you heart is being re-made for the millionth time...Live. While you feel all that you know fading into blackness...embrace rebirth..and Live.

We have eachother a short time. we have self knowledge as long as we are willing to flow with it.

Live and Love

Love and Peace

I Love you all so much

Jen